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by Paul

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Children’s discovery of the world is reflective of how they experience their daddy.

1) Being Present

It all starts in the presence of our daddy. My goal is to to BE INTENTIONALLY PRESENT and participate wholeheartedly in what THEY WANT to do. I discovered my girls health depends more on the condition of their hearts and the experiences woven into their lives than my skill as a father. My argument mitigation and lesson facilitation skills are sloppy. My ability to match appropriate corrections to inappropriate choices can feel tedious. So, I choose to take a posture of belief. I believe in their capacity to make great choices. I choose to stay patiently present with my girls while they process their choices.

2) Cleaning Up My Messes

And when I make a mess, I can CLEAN IT UP. Cleaning up my messes is a principle thing for me. It’s easier to know a mess has been made when I’m present because my emotional literacy grows and I can read shifts in my children’s behavioral language. That being said, I regularly just ask, “Is there anyone or anything you need to forgive?” Fathers, we are the heroes! I may press deeper. “My Love, is there anything I did today that hurt your heart?” I’ll wait for their answer. It’s ok if their answer triggers my heart to defend itself. But, I WON’T REACT!! This is the time to heal their hearts, not protect mine. I am a big daddy. I am a FATHER LEADER. There is nothing they can say or do that is too big for me to handle. There is nothing they can say or do that is big enough to reduce my love for them. My love for them only grows more and more.

Next, begins the healing of their heart and cleaning up of the mess. I specifically repeat back exactly what they say is hurting in their heart because what they say is the most accurate reflection of the hurt that is in their heart. Again, what THEY say is the most accurate reflection of the hurt that is in their heart. Sometimes I help them search for the words to match their feelings. It may sound something like this, “Love, will you forgive me for using a tone with mommy that made you feel unsafe.” I had to probe to get the word “unsafe”. I discovered the same handful of words will usually be used. For example, unsafe, scared, hurt etc… Equally important is replacing the void where the hurt was with your love. I might say something like this, “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME FOR YOU TO FEEL SAFE.”

Lies will attach to the hurt in our hearts. Lies are warfare on our identity and on our children’s identity. Get rid of the lies by renouncing them and replacing them with truth. Truth is so valuable that the enemy of identity will guard against our discovery of truth with a bodyguard of lies.

“In warfare TRUTH is the most VALUABLE thing in all the world. It is so valuable that often times it is protected by a bodyguard of lies.” ~Winston Churchill 

How do I know the mess is cleaned up? Glad you asked. Try this, “Is your heart all the way better or mostly better but a little something still there?” Keep cleaning, if they want to. Never force them to forgive. Remember, your a Father Leader and that means you are patiently present and presently patient with their process.

Here is what happened when a friend of mine tried this. It was in a moment of frustration in which he raised his voice over his daughter. He felt guilty and wanted to protect the strong connection he has with his daughter, so he asked her to forgive him for raising his voice. Here is what she said,

“ahh Daddy, I forgave you the moment those words came out of your mouth.”

Our children’s hearts are born to heal and bond to ours. Seal their hearts with your love!

“If you can uphold your children’s wholeness, which means you will have to heal your brokenness you will liberate your children.” ~Dr. Shefali Tsabary

To all the FATHER LEADERS reading this. YOU are the worlds most powerful heroes. If any of this makes sense, take it and BE THE FATHER LEADER you already are.

Lots of Love….Paul

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I want you to know the the vocabulary of identity. I desire for parents to cultivate words which will water the seeds of identity in their children. For parents to discover who they are and who they have always been. To feel confident in their place and purpose in the world.

My motivation for this writing comes from three recent conversations where the subject of identity came up. One mom said about herself, “I’m still trying to figure this out.” A coworker described his desire, drive and purpose, but was unsure of the difference between purpose and identity. I told him all this comes from identity. He too, didn’t have words living and thriving in is heart, which are the make up of his identity.

YOU CAN RETIRE FROM WHAT YOU DO, BUT YOU NEVER RETIRE FROM WHO YOU ARE AND YOU CAN BE WHO YOU ARE IN EVERYTHING YOU DO.

Your true identity is written into your DNA! It is full of love and purpose and out of love will flow your purpose. If…..it doesn’t feel sourced in love, it is not your identity. It is a lie trying to steel and plunder the dream that is your destiny. A lie can’t exist without truth because it is the antagonist. Oh, and our destiny is also NOW. The TRUTH must first be alive for there to be a lie to defy it. So, let’s intentionally develop the vocabulary of identity and purposefully speak words sourced in love. Resonate with the truth written into the DNA of our children.

Your identity was alive before you were born. It was a song. It waited for an instrument to be created specifically to play it.

Here is my process. I listen, speak, and empower! I listen with my heart for words reflected in the behavioral language of my girls. Wisdom resides in the heart. I pay close attention to their dreams. I know when I’ve heard the words of each person’s identity because when I speak it, it resonates true. It’s like bringing the strings of a violin or guitar into tune. When it comes into tune, there is a harmonious effect. It feels true. Watch closely. You will see the person physically respond to truth spoken over them.

Here is my personal example. I am a BUILDER. I love building people. As a BUILDER, I speak words of encouragement every day. I am a FATHER. As a FATHER, I protect, provide and impart identity. Sometimes, when I don’t know what to do with my girls, I remember who I am. I’m a FATHER, so I make sure I protect their hearts from lies and hurt, protect them physically and emotionally, provide my time and finances, and tell them who they are.

I asked my girls how it feels to hear their identity spoken over them. Here is what they said:
Bear, “It feels good. It feels good to my heart.”
Bean, “Like an encouragement. I just want to kiss you and snuggle you” when I hear it.

On a personal note. I ask Father God, who He created my girls to be. It’s always amazing and love filled. So, I speak it over my girls and watch it come alive.

I love all of you and encourage everyone to press into your identity! Cover yourself with truth and friends who speak truth into you. Seek out mothers and fathers to grow you and impart identity in you.

Lotze of Love….Paul

THE VOCABULARY OF IDENTITY:

SON | DAUGHTER | FATHER | MOTHER | ARTIST | BUILDER | TEACHER | WRITER | ADVENTURER | LOVER | GIVER | DREAMER | WONDERER | KNOWLEDGE-SEEKER | PEACE-MAKER….what words would you add?